I had a very bad mood yesterday – this bad mood usually comes when I haven’t met my friends for a quite long time – so I decided to search on my movie rack. I found ‘Uptown Girls’, played by Brittany Murphy, Dakotta Fanning, etc. This film always touched me before, so I believe that it’ll cheer me up. The fact is, I cried on the ‘giant tea cup’ scene – I haven’t cried before, though I’ve watched this film for many times.

I rarely cry while watching films – in the whole life, I cried only while watching ‘Mona Lisa Smile’, ‘One Litre of Tears’, and ‘Sad Movie’. But what happened to me yesterday kinda shocked me, because I cried. Well, maybe because I was sensitive, in a bad mood, or feeling lonely because I’ve been really alone these days. Therefore, the scene of Ray (Dakota Fanning) who sat on the giant tea cup, trying to banish her sadness alone, makes me really touched & felt ‘that’s the way I am’. I know I’m a kind of cold hearted person, who’s usually being sarcastic & ignorant, just like Ray. Maybe because I was taught to be strong person, less crying, more fighting, & so on. My parents made me tough, I know. But, on the other hand, this situation made me lack of caring & loving. I’m not a person who could easily show my carings to others, say ‘I love you’, or hug people, or just ask ‘are you ok?’.

“You’re scared.” said Ray to Molly. I felt like she said it right to me, & I admit it – I am scared. I’ve been told by my friends how brave & strong I am, but inside, I feel weak. Actually, I’ve been a bit braver when I decided to go for an internship in Bali, quite far away from my family & friends – and my comfort zone. I was glad that I’ve been through it, coz it made me to be a stronger person. That’s how I could face all trouble in front of me confidently, & fighting my scoliosis with a strong mind. No one realized how the pain’s been torturing me for years. People – who generally have no idea with this kinda sickness – don’t know how hurt it is, or how bothering it is, even only for doing daily activities. They think it’s just a simple disease, some of them even make fun of it – it hurted me, actually, since I’ve been struggling alone for years. Nobody knows, nobody cares. Even after they finally knew coincidencely, they still think I’m just moaning too much. Thank you so much for your attention, but fyi, I’ve been keeping this as a secret for years, so what made you guys think I moan too much??

I can’t be honest about several things. When my friend asked me, “Are you okay? How about your back bone?” I just laughed & answered, “It’s fine. I’ve been used to it for years, so there’s no difference between now & then.” Funny, isn’t it? Maybe deep inside I just don’t wanna bother them, but the other side of me doesn’t wanna fight alone. Weird.

Actually it’s really fine, I know, to be alone. I just can’t stand the pain, which could happen any time. I’ve been crying secretly when my back starts stinging, esp. when it bothers me playing violin (& viola). I cried more & more, ’til I lost my tears, then stopped. I resisted everything ’til I blew my head, then cried again. That’s how I spent my life killing the pain. I don’t know exactly how hurt it is actually – sometimes I think, maybe this is not so painful, maybe I’m just weak – but I know how bothering it is, like I wanna get rid of it at once.

Well, because of the similarity feeling between me & Ray, I put this as one of my fave movies. I know that most people disagree with me, but who cares? I still like this film, though it doesn’t have superb visual effect or excellent story. It’s the soul between me & the giant tea cups…